Prayer

It started as a thought. A COVID crisis thought... what are you doing with your life? I had the feeling of being on a treadmilll and the dissatisfaction of missing a life I had been building before the apocalypse of my life... divorce.

Then, came the mulling over and the self doubt. Months of it. Just procrastinating, rolling the ideas around of costs, both financial and emotional. Contemplating how life would look with my daughter only part time. Could I do it? Would I withstand the loneliness and the judgement?

Then I started. Started to dream, started to plan. Cleaned up finances, cleaned house. Kept working and noticed, I had built quite a bit in the 6 years that its taken to seperate myself from that marriage. I started 2 courses, got down to work. I filed for relocation. Did all the paperwork that I couldn't afford a laywer for. Coached the teams, worked summer schools. Did all the mom things and some... offering my time and expertise in sport and in education.

I passed those courses. A and A+. No dummy here. And I have to say, it wasn't easy. On top of teaching in a pandemic, coaching, raising a spirited child in a 'parrallel parenting' situation.... I was facing my bully. Facing the judgement of the counsellors and other professionals, prospective partners, close friends, and sometimes, even myself. It would be easier if I could just LET GO of it. Stop missing my wine career, and just be happy with the job I have, the life I was recreating. There was collateral damage, and I fear, probably more to come.

I'm on the cusp of signing up for the next course: Wine Production. I have an excellent mentor lined up to help me learn some hands on vinification and analysis on a project of making a wine from start to finish. I tapped into my contacts and found support, screaming back at me. "You can do anything you want". How nice to hear those words. I can travel back to Napa and Sonoma, just like that. I hope, step back into it, maybe find consulting work OR maybe even a job.

I now have to find the funds, and I have to say. Im tapped. Sport for my daughter this year, couple of car repairs, Christmas... all of it piled on top of me. I've worked very hard to get myself in the black and I have one more challenge here. All my stuff is second hand... I took only my car, some personal belongings and Aoife's bed when I left. We were those people who had a house, but no furniture. It was one of the saddest days of my life, asking old freinds for hand me down furniture, and I brought the coffee table we used to play college drinking games on at parties we hosted. With some incredible help from my family and someone whom loved me and saw me entirely, I trudged through the depression and the shit. He made me see that movement, no matter how small and how humiliating, was still movement. And how to enjoy the moments as they came.

I'm sending out one prayer here. I know that I can take this course later... and that the path is still long. I have a court date in 2 weeks, just to hear whether my daughter might be allowed to come with me, when I leave, just even part time.This is major. I am a mom first. But my dream... my dream is worth it. Always.